How to Love an Angry Person Without Becoming Angry Too


couple's counseling helps couples heal and become happier

Every relationship has a degree of give and take. On that same note, partners make compromises for the relationship to be successful.

However, what do you do when you are in a relationship with an angry person? Assuming that you want to continue the relationship, how do you make it work? After all, you don’t want to get caught up in their anger too.

Take heart; you can love an angry person without becoming angry, too. However, it requires a lot of attention on your part to ensure that you are getting your needs met healthily.

Realize It’s Not About You

First, it helps to remember that when your partner does have an angry moment, it’s not about you. This mindset applies even if, at that moment, they are directing their anger towards you.

Often, people with anger struggle with much more profound emotional issues, such as:

  • Feeling powerless and helpless

  • Having trouble with being vulnerable to others (even those they love)

  • The perpetual inner critic who says that they are never good enough

If you walked around all day with these thoughts and burdens in your mind, you’d probably be angry, too. Knowing your partner’s backstory and why they are angry helps to build compassion and understanding towards them.

When their anger flares, it also lets you approach the situation more objectively instead of getting entangled in their anger.

Use Assertive Language

When your partner is angry, it’s essential to use assertive language when communicating with them. For instance, if your partner lashes out at you, you can respond by saying, I feel scared and sad when you say those things to me.”

The idea is that you are communicating how you feel when your partner is angry and focus on yourself. That allows you to focus on their actions and to avoid blaming them.

Additionally, when your partner says something to you, try responding with, “What I hear you saying is…” to reflect their statement to them. You don’t have to agree, but mirroring their message to them helps them feel validated. That helps diffuse a tense situation.

Be Firm and Consistent With Your Partner

Besides what you say, how you say it is also crucial. Being firm and consistent means that you communicate plainly from a position of strength, not weakness. You are holding your ground and not getting sucked into the drama.

Also, you are conveying a consistent message time after time. This approach helps the situation because nothing is coming from “out of the blue.” Your partner knows what you will say because you have been using the same messaging time after time.

Keep the Good Times in Mind

When loving an angry person, it helps to remember the good times that you’ve shared. Hopefully, your loved one isn’t angry all the time. There are likely times when they express joy and happiness.

Perhaps you both laugh at a comedy movie that you enjoy. Maybe you went on a trip together and had loads of fun. These positive moments will help you to love your partner even when they slip back into anger.

Participate in Therapy Together

Your partner genuinely needs therapy if they experience anger issues continually. Participating in the therapeutic journey with them is just one way you can support and love your partner. It shows that you are willing to be there with them through this process.

Also, because you love them unconditionally, consider seeing a therapist on your own. Individual therapy will ensure that you are getting the support and guidance you need, too.

It’s vital to keep in mind your own mental health. All the love in the world can’t make up for being in a toxic relationship. It may be that you will have to hold this ultimate boundary with your partner.

However, before that happens, use all your resources. These include communication skills, separating yourself from the anger, and taking advantage of therapy.

Find out how couples therapy can help. Please contact us today to learn more.


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